I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
