I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
