so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
