Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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