woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
