the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
