So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
