I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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