i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
