Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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