walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize