After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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