He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
