if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
