I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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