he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
