I smell stomach acid.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
