awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize