true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
