You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
