I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
