careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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