a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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