Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize