Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize