By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
