you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im having a threesome with these popsicles
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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