I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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