I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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