I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
