have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
