My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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