i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
