She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
