She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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