I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize