people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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