I wish I could teleport
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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