Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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