Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
