Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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