it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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