no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
