His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
