filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
