I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
