i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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