After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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