Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
