make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
