btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I deserve this hangover.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
