tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
