Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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