Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Randomize
