I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
