Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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