my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize