Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
