VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
