I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize