my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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