i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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